Ever Thought of Suicide?
I think that it is safe to say that each and every person has thought about ending their life at one point or another. Some only had a passing thought, others spent serious time thinking in depth.
But what is it that causes us to think about ending our lives? It is during a troublesome time in a person’s life that their mind starts wandering this way. For me, self-harm (instead of suicide) was a constant solution to problems for many years.
Some common thoughts:
“I’d be better off dead.”
“Nobody would miss me.”
“I can’t handle this.”
Simply put, people’s feelings are like a dark gray cloud that covers the sun; their feelings make it near impossible to think logically.
Each person has a therapy that helps them clear their minds, but not everyone knows what theirs is. It can range from a few deep breaths, to jogging, to just screaming to let the steam out. For me it was “cutting.” When I couldn’t even begin to think of anything other than the problem at hand, I would cut. It was like the first drag of a cigarette that you have been dying for. When I cut it would help me cry, not from the physical pain, but because of the emotions at hand.
For whatever reason, I couldn’t cry — not until I made those first few cuts. It never hurt and the scars are minimal, but it helped me break down the mental block that was holding me from addressing my problems. The only emotion I ever felt was anger until I could bring on those tears and start seeing the real issue at hand.
As we all know, teenagers tend to be very selfish and are overwhelmed with hormones. Add that to the feelings I had and methods I used, and it made for a very difficult period in my life.
It all started when I was about twelve years old. A very good friend of mine had shown me her marks, and briefly described the “release” that it gave her. So of course, the next time I was stressed to the max I gave it a try; it has been a never-ending battle since. My intention is not to glorify this habit, but to bring awareness to it. As much as it helped me, it shamed me too. I was always feeling that I had to hide something — my cuts, my collection of knives and scissors, even ME. I felt like such a low-life after looking at my body after I calmed down and took it out on everyone around me.
I lacked self-confidence, and even saw myself as an outcast. How did I deal with that part of it? I was a loud, obnoxious, cocky person to just about everyone. What they say is true, those jerks in high school have a lot of inner issues — yep, that was me.
Cutting was a never-ending cycle of hurt and relief. I was sent to the psych ward at two different hospitals by my parents on separate occasions. As bad as I needed to cut, I needed to stop; that was just something I didn’t know how to do. Around the time that I got pregnant with my daughter, I started to find value in myself. All I had ever wanted was to be a mom. I wanted to be able to love someone else whole-heartedly and be the most perfect role model. How could I possibly do that if I didn’t even see myself as worthy? Call it mother’s love or whatever you wish, but something I will never understand changed inside of me. For all the years I spent trying to “just stop” hurting myself, all it took was a life changing event for me to dig down and find what was always there.
Like any habitual behavior, it didn’t just end over night. Four years later, I still have to fight the urge when things get overwhelming, and I won’t lie; I’ve slipped up quite a few times. However, I have made some major changes in life that I know have helped in massive ways. Perhaps the most important, has been deleting the negativity from my life. If there is nobody in my life to put me down and make me question the goodness in myself, that is one HUGE part of my problem eliminated. If I am looking at the positive in every situation, I am not spending extra time stressing myself out. Of course, stress is an inevitable part of life; accepting that is part of the healing process too.
The best advice I can give to someone who is battling the never-ending habit of self-harm (in ANY form) is this:
Take the time when your mind is COMPLETELY clear to sit down and make a plan. What are other activities that help calm you down? How can you eliminate your stress? Think about these questions and their answers often. You need to memorize them.
Having these questions answered and a plan in place before your next stressful situation will work wonders. If the thoughts are something already instilled in your subconscious mind, you won’t be trying to “hunt” for a solution when you need it most.
One last point of advice would be to get a counselor. Find one that suits you! If you feel like they are judging you or giving generic advice instead of building you up, move on. It may take a few tries, but I promise when you find the right one it will do wonders.
REMEMBER: You ARE worth something, and there IS a way out. Keep looking within yourself, and find the beauty in YOU. Nobody hurts you more than you. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤